Do we really crave certainty?

Uncertainty is most commonly cited as the main source of worry and anxiety in our lives. ‘Fear of the unknown’ is a commonly used phrase. Why, then, do we fear death the most, when death in the only certainty in life? May be because of the uncertainty of when?

So is certainty the solution? Is full certainty going to be the source of ultimate happiness? I am afraid not. If all things were absolutely certain – imagine a situation where you know the complete schedule of your future – life would be boring; where is the joy of living in that?

My hypothesis is that certainty is desirable in things required for basic survival. The definition of ‘basic’ may vary from person to person – for some, certainty of food or shelter is enough; for some, certainty of monthly paycheck is bliss; for some, certainty about love and care is essential. It depends on where one is placed in the hierarchy of needs.

What about certainty in terms of results of our efforts? What if there is a knowledge bank, which tells me – if I follow such and such plan, I will get such and such results – life would be so peaceful, no? I doubt it. If all our efforts are destined to bear the desired fruits, then I fear the fruit won’t be valued much (basic demand-supply theory – the fruit is just too abundant).

On the other hand, the uncertainty surrounding the result keeps us on our toes. Uncertainty then becomes a source of creativity – would the plan work, how do I test it, should I tweak it – questions like these create a sense of dynamism.

If the plan eventually does work, we would feel a sense of ownership of not just the result but also the ‘tweaked’ plan – one more way to do it, adding another possibility to the already existing ones - which is now our contribution to the knowledge bank. And that, I believe, feeds our self-worth, for the joy of living is in the joy of giving.

Live Life King Size!

हर पल यहाँ जी भर जियो,

जो है समां, कल हो न हो|

A road accident yesterday brought an abrupt end to the lives of four youngsters from IIT Delhi; that too when they were on a journey celebrating friendship and creating memories. Tragic incidents such as these make me want to believe in the theory of ‘rebirth’. The only way I can find solace is to think that these beautiful souls, who have left us in mourning, will bring laughter and happiness into some other lives.

I didn’t know them closely; one of them was just an acquaintance. Nonetheless, the terrible news brought back the realization that how ephemeral life is and how precious our moments in this world are. It is so pointless to waste these precious moments holding negative thoughts in our minds towards the people around us. A wise man once told me, "Wherever you go, the thing that will matter the most will be the people around you."

So, the best way, I believe, to pay our respects to the departed souls would be to celebrate this gift of life. Let us use our time here to spread happiness around us and bring smiles to as many faces as we can. क्योंकि, बाबू मोशाई, जिंदगी बड़ी होनी चाहिए, लंबी नहीं |

Mr. Lonely

Days are passing by without any action, as if life has come to a standstill. Moreover, I am not sure of the reason of me staying back at IITD right now, though the excuses are many - volleyball camp, extended minor project, civil services preparation. But, I can't really find out the reasons out of the excuses, because I don't observe any progress on any of those fronts. Besides, I have been feeling lonely too in the last few days. I don't know whether the loneliness is due to the lack of progress, or vice-versa, but I carry the sensation of loneliness from the moment I wake up early in the morning to the time I somehow fall asleep every night.

On the field, I'm not sure of the purpose for which I'm burning out my muscles every morning at 6 am, when some of my "experienced" mates find it to be the least priority activity in their life at present. Whatever energy I can conserve out of the workout (read burnout) doesn't appear sufficient to keep me awake for rest of the morning. The extended minor project has hit a roadblock because I've no clue what am I aiming to accomplish. Additionally, probably due to thinking more than required, somehow I find myself so much entangled in the thought of civil services preparation itself that I can't pick a loose end of the string to start off.

And without doing anything worthwhile today also, except watching a hilarious (but elongated) movie "Pyaar ka Punchnama", I've no option but to sign off without any expectations of something exciting from the coming day.

"Forever" - Really?!

"Friends forever". I could never understand how long is 'forever'. As per laws of the universe (or Gita), everything that has a beginning has an end. But, how close/far that end should be. Death is an obvious option, and of course, "till death do us part" is a common oath taken with another social contract (marriage), but friendship is meant to be free from all such bindings. So, as all things are meant to end sometime, friendship too has to have a similar behaviour - an ascent to the peak, then stagnation for sometime there, followed by the inevitable fall. Why so? Because priorities change, and so do affinities. Therefore, as one friendship wilts, the seeds for other ones are sown. Then follows a competition which ends in survival of the fittest. God-damn you, Darwin!

The Decade that Passed By

This post is already about 15 days late than expected, thanks to the art of procrastination, but nevertheless, better late than never. Another decade in my and everyone’s life went by, but being born in ’90, my age can be roughly counted in decades. Thus, I turned ‘2 decades’ old quite recently (brownie points for remembering my b’day). So, I thought of reminiscing a bit on the turn of events in the past decade in which I can say that I grew up the most – having seen three different phases of age in a single decade; starting from a kid, going into adolescence (teenage) and turning an adult. So here it is - my last 10 years summed up in a 'few' lines - approximately my journey from what I was to what I am now.

2000-01 (Class 6-7):

Shifted school from AECS#2 (primary) to AECS#4 (secondary). Suddenly, turned the junior most in the school from the senior most, and frequently surrounded by tall fellows from higher classes. Also, the year of Kaun Banega Crorepati. Even, tried madly for KBC Junior.

2002 (Class 8):

Returned to AECS#2 due to some reshuffle in school system at Rawatbhata. Separated from some really dear friends of the childhood. Haven't yet been able to reconnect completely with them thereafter, but made some new friends and learnt to move on.

My sister moved to college. No more competition in ownership of TV and no more fighting for one thing or the other. But, realised soon enough that we miss people and learn their value only when they move away.

Gave to myself and gave myself to Volleyball – which would no longer be just a game to me in years to come, but that’s a long story – sometime later. Travelled for sports tours, away from home for the first time – one activity essential to grow up.

Lucky to get a great School Principal in MNVP Naidu sir. Faced some tough competition in academics – thanks to Ashwin. Taught me how to compete healthily and constructively.

2003-04 (Class 9):

Spent almost 4 months (2 of them continuously) away from home going through drilling (literally) NCC camps. Achieved the dream of an NCC cadet – attended the Republic Day Camp – 2004. Haven’t yet lived a tougher, more disciplined, and still more exciting life than those days. Still miss some of the people I lived with then, I wish there was some sort of Facebook then too.

Had my maiden flight in the Microlight (a 2-seater plane for NCC cadets). Developed a strong desire to become a fighter pilot in Indian Air Force through NDA. A bad idea keeping in view my fear of heights, but, the mind keeps taking crazy dives.

2004-05 (Class 10):

Return of Volleyball which turned out to be a nightmare. Got injured (a facture in right metacarpal) days before the tour. Turned selfish by still going on with the tour and wasting a place in the team (I still count it as one of the biggest mistakes of my life) and paid later in the form of complications resulting in a surgery. Actually, what attracted me was the venue of the sports meet (Kakrapar, Gujarat) which happens to be my birth place, where I spent the first 4 years of my life; just wanted to see it again.
Despite an ailing right hand due to the fracture, managed to do well in the board exams (with an astonishing 99 in Hindi, mainly due to an excellent teacher in Mrs. Rama Sharma ma'am). Cracked many other competitive exams (NTSE etc.).

2005-06 (Class 11):
Came to know about something called IIT-JEE (believe me, I didn't know about it earlier). I feel fortunate to be picked up by Sri Chaitanya Academy on a 100% scholarship, because otherwise I wouldn't have joined a coaching and cannot predict where that would have landed me.  Experienced hostel life - late night studies, later night masti, poor mess food, petty quarrels, gossips about girls, crushes etc. Fun-filled days in general, too much pressure sometimes.
Visited HBCSE for a week through KVPY (and later for Olympiad camps). Got to meet some bright people of my age (who're going to be big names in near future) . Felt elite for the first time.

2006-07 (Class 12):
Rented a room outside, Maa moved in, pretty organised life, almost at home. Big aims in eyes, consistent efforts, some ups and downs, but finally a year ending in extra-ordinary achievements - AIR50 (JEE), Silver medal (IChO), decent 92% (CBSE), all of which, I believe, became possible only because of my Mom.

2007-present (IIT Delhi):
This phase, I think, has contributed the most to my growth and maturity (whatever I exhibit at times). Not only because I turned officially adult during this time, but because it gave me real freedom and opportunity to make many crucial decisions for myself - some of them I got right, many of them wrong. Made some really close friends - friends for life. In fact, this phase of life is an era in itself. It would be an injustice to try to shrink it in a few lines. Would dedicate a complete post some day, may be after I turn an alumni.

So, that's it. A pretty 'short' memoir of my life in the past decade. I hope to make the next one more memorable and if possible, more diverse.

Denial and Sacrifice

Often in life, we face situations when circumstances play villain in denying us some things which we would so much love to have. But, there are other instances in life when we show great will power to keep us away from something which we otherwise love, for something else more important and more lasting. That act of sacrificing fills you with a sense of gratification and satisfaction for your control on your mind and senses. But, then very rarely a combination of these two occurs - when we go a long way to settle our minds to sacrifice somethings, but then the villain circumstances deny us that sacrifice too. This phase of "denial of sacrifice" is the most painful, because you are stripped of the satisfying feeling of sacrifice, and strangely even the things sacrificed earlier by you don't taste that sweet.

PS: A vague representation of some recent incidents through abstract ideas. A cryptic post which only some close people can decode.

Changing of Guards

I landed back at IIT Delhi yesterday and have been 'enjoying' the humidity floating around me with some friends I've missed the most during last few months. Now another semester is about to start and it's time to let go of the last phase of my life, i.e. the internship. A few days ago, I rated IIT life to be absolutely incomparable to that at MSR (here). But someone has truly said that you start missing something when you start moving away from it. I felt something like that when I realised this Friday that this day onwards, I won't have such lovely and brilliant people around me anymore. I would miss the whole culture of 'Party Hard, Work Harder' culture at MSR, particulary, the Lab Sabha, the PowWow, the perennial pantry supplies, World Cup and the diversity of TEM.

Moving on with life, I guess its time to let go of the FIFA World Cup theme too as it's now long over (YEAH! Spain won, still happy about that!). Just to keep it in memory, my blog used to look like this at one time:

So, as the theme undergoes a radical change, so does the way of life. From the smooth flowing Microsofty Life to the rough IIT Life, the transition is fundamental. Got some lectures to attend in the morning (unlike no strict office timings at MSR), so should catch some sleep! Ciao!

Microsofty Life

The summer break is nearing its end, and so is the internship at MSR. 10 days from now, I'll be back to my home grounds at IIT Delhi, and as I look back at the last 2 months, I realise the striking contrast between IIT (Delhi) life and MSR (Bangalore) life. So, an attempt to list a few as a memoir to the Microsoft experience. (Keeping a count on the positives and the negatives)

Food (yes, for the foodie I'm, this deserves to be the first point):
The regular Paneer Tikka at Mezbaan couldn't find an equal match here. But the variety and delicacy of Idli-Dosa here made me fall in love with Bangalore in a few days. The 'sasta, lekin sabse achha' award clearly goes to the Southie food here. I'm not sure whether the Idlis of Holistic or the Dosa of Sip n Bite would be edible for me anymore. (+1)

Accomodation:
The first week at Bangalore was spent in uncertainty of our resting place for the next 2 months. Finding a suitable place, affordable yet providing satisfactory services, became a heated affair (thanks to our Police Officer (retd.) landlord). While we faced some harsh consequences of being in a language-hostile city, the realisation that however inhuman be the living conditions in our hostels, the life is much smoother and hassle-free there. (-1)

Weather:
This one undoubtedly goes to Bangalore. Never during the whole period did I feel that the internship is actually 'Summer' internship. But, sadly, when I was enjoying the pleasant evening breeze in Bangalore, some of my dear friends were burning in scorching Delhi heat. Our rational Deans and Diro turned down a very valid and popular demand to allow coolers in hostel rooms. (+1)

Getting a bit long, eh? Some quickies now :-
OS: Windows 7, never missed Ubuntu (Jaunty or Lynx). (+1)

Music: Winamp playlists earlier, it's Grooveshark, Pandora or Shoutcast internet radio here. (+1)

Internet: High speed corpnet with no blocked sites and no limits, proxy quota is a forgotten concept. (+1)

Email client: Experienced the beauty of Outlook, bye-bye Thunderbird. (0)

LAN: No oDC to grab all kinds of pirated (or dirty) stuff in minutes; no LAN gaming, despite the (work)stations equipped with powerful graphic cards. (-1)

On TV: Football (World Cup was a phenomenon). Cricket-lovers virtually non-existent here. (+1)

Sports: Football, yet again, and because I can run, I'm not that bad at it. Missing volleyball though. (0)

Snacks: Besides the 5pm snacks with infy variety, the perennial pantry supply helped me about 5 kgs weight in about a month. (+1)

Score, anyone? +5, right? Yet, I missed IITD so much at many ocassions. So, what did I miss out above?

LIFE:
Yeah, there is no substitute to campus life. When I joined IIT, some wise man (no offence to the ladies!) said that the coming years would be the most cherished time of your life. Live it to the fullest, while you can. In this brief stint of corporate office life, I entirely realise the truth in his words. Going to office every morning, sitting in the same chair, working on the same project invariably on each day - the monotony of life couldn't be broken even by the lavish Lab Retreat at Lalitha Mahal Palace, Mysore. Life is too smooth here, with some department dedicated to solve every problem of yours (except the research problem you're working on). What makes IIT life worth living, despite the various negatives listed above, is the variety of challenges encountered regularly - from getting a letter signed to winning an inter-hostel competition; and the irreplacable friends that provide you strength to stand tall in every challenge. Though I met some wonderful persons here, I couldn't help missing the always cheerful WindT and the wonderful company I enjoyed there. Anupam and the SPICY gang deserve a special-mention, who are now accessible only at long-distance. A few long-distance friends became even 'longer-distance' due to switching of time-zones, and thereby, restricting the communication options. Without some people, even in the biggest software company of the world, life feels small. The countdown has begun. Can't wait to get back to IIT Delhi.

PS: @Interns at MSRI or elsewhere: Help me to add more points that come to your mind.

When should the Bidding end?

The day started out normally as it has been for about 8 weeks now - Getting up, leaving for Microsoft Research and working on the same project from morning till evening (night). Lately, the difference is me reaching office as late as 1 pm, due to the longer sleep required after the evening football (playing, not watching) sessions. Lately, the difference is me still confused where my intern project will lead to, because of some unorganized mentoring. Lately, the difference is me not happy at the place which probably is the dream for some of the best in my stream. This difference is that I wanted to write myself out this time. Not because I don't have people to talk about it, because I am lucky to have them and I've talked my heart out to them, but I wanted to talk about it to myself. So, I want to pour out some of the thoughts my mind has entangled itself into.

One thought that troubles me is our decision-making process about our goals and the path we take to strive for them. One such process took place when my intern started here, when 3 researchers and me sat for a 'brainstorming' session for hours to find a project of my interest. But, the session failed to churn out an intern topic that interested me. One possible reason could be my misplaced interest which was to do something that involved more than pure coding, which involved actually going out to the field to study how the technology we develop is being used, which could make my stay here different from that at IIT Delhi, which could make it meaningful to be a part of Technology of Emerging Markets group. So, at the end, I agreed to start upon a project for the sake of my internship half-heartedly, and throughout my stay here I've thought, what if I would have taken more time to decide. Now, the internship will end in a few days and won't have a strong influence on my future, but the issue still troubles me because of the 'what if', because I'm standing at a stage where the crucial decision of my career path needs to be taken, because I would certainly like to avoid the regret of 'The Road Not Taken'. So, how much time, patience and energy should we spend on actually finalizing the decision, so that it doesn't cross the optimal limit when we start wasting those resources on deciding and not executing the decision? How do we hit the best trade-off between the two conflicting motives? When should the Bidding end?


Meanwhile, a Ted talk in which Dan Ariely asks, "Are we in control of our own decisions?"